You’re not “Overreacting”: Understanding Your Protective Parts
Updated: Sep 21
The one day you decide to bake, you drop a spatula on the floor. Instantly your blood starts boiling. “Oh my gosh! Seriously! The one time!” Or, you grunt with frustration and mutter “Of course that happened, nothing ever goes right.”
Or, one minute your mood is level, and the next you clap back at a friend with a passive-aggressive or defensive text.
You’re feeling happy, then you are enraged because Netflix logged you out.
Minor inconveniences like these can send our nervous system spiraling.
Why did I react like that? What is wrong
with me?
Nothing is wrong with you.
When the intensity of our emotions is stronger than the situation calls for, you aren't “being dramatic.” You’re not reacting to the present situation, you’re reacting to a memory– one that is often an enduring, painful wound that has burdened you for years and years.
Reacting to a past wound can lead to shame, spiraling, self-criticism, and even suicidality. Our relationships suffer when we react to a friend’s shift in tone as if they’ve abandoned us.
*insert IE skills sheets
Responding means we’re confident in our response; we’re centered and know that we will be okay; and we extend compassion, rather than criticism, towards ourselves and the other person.
*insert respond/react list
Recently, I was driving to a meeting 45 minutes away from my home. I stopped at Starbucks–an unusual treat for me–and spent $7 on a latte. I was SO excited for this latte. I took the first sip 20 minutes later. It was black coffee. I got the wrong order. I admit, my reaction was larger than a wrong coffee order warranted.
It wasn’t about the coffee.
When I listened to that part of me that was deeply frustrated by this black coffee, I realized it hit a deep wound: a painful memory where I felt dismissed and unheard. The frustration softened once I extended self-compassion to that triggered wound.
***Insert SELF-COMPASSION exercise
4 Skills to Shift from Reacting to Responding
Here are 4 ways I shift from reacting to responding when I notice a protector part activating and taking the wheel. These skills redirect us from the painful memory to the present moment.
"Sip" Breathing:
Take a deep, belly breath. Once your belly and lungs are full, take another “sip” of air. Pause. Slowly exhale.
Why? During stress, tiny lung air sacs can collapse or stick together. The second “sip” of air pops those tiny sacs back open, allowing for a deeper breath. Because high carbon dioxide levels trigger anxiety and panic, the long exhale dumps excess carbon dioxide out of your system. This signals your brainstem to slow your heart rate and bring your body back into a state of “rest and digest”.
Tune into your environment:
Spend 30 seconds finding and focusing on the noise furthest away from you (a car, birds chirping, etc.)
Spend the next 30 seconds finding and focusing on the sound closest to you (heat pump, your own heart beat, fridge, etc.)
Why? Because we cannot have two thoughts simultaneously, focusing on sounds in our environment tunes us into the present moment and out of the past. This creates a buffer, giving our brain space to pause and respond mindfully and effectively.
Force a "Miserable Smile":
Sit with your distress, but force your mouth into a half smile. This may seem woo-hoo, and I’m not suggesting you can smile your problems away.
Why? A half-smile can soften the intensity of our distress or emotions. This is a phenomenon known as a “miserable smile” or a “smile of pain”. It triggers a chemical reaction that helps lower our heart rate and buffer emotional distress, regardless of whether you actually feel happy!
Cool, right?! Simple, effective, and cost-free!
Move your body:
When you’re overwhelmed, punch a pillow, do jumping jacks, climb up and down stairs, or dance to nostalgic 2000’s tunes.
Why? Emotions are somatic, meaning they live in our body. They can become trapped in our muscles, in our nervous system, and elsewhere, leading to tension, pain, and fatigue.
Not only does movement release distress energy, it also creates a buffer for our brain to settle and move forward effectively with the situation.
Next time you feel an emotional wave crashing over you, notice it.
Pause.
Create a buffer.
Respond effectively.
Your relationships will strengthen, shame and criticism will soften, and your self-confidence will grow.
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